my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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