I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
