I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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