He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
