I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can you bring me the toilet please
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
