he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
