A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize