I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
