It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
