I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
