Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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