life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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