I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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