Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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