Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize