dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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