Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
