she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
