i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
