Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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