dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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