i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think we might need a safe word for this...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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