After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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