my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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