I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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