I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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