R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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