Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
