mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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