she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
