my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
