every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize