Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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