My liver just broke up with me...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
