just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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