How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize