Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
