she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
