I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
