Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
