he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
