if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
