I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
