Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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