i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just threw up on my dentist
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
her facebook's as public as her vagina
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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