Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize