the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
