i just sent this text using only my big toe
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
