I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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