Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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