He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i now understand why vodka
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
God, I missed his penis.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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