It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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