Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I had to cum in my sink.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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