Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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