We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
