I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
