he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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