my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
