Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize