I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
