My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
