I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
