Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
