Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The air was thick with penises
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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