Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
