Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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