The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
